Okay so this is a very strange game, so I apologize if this is a weird entry. I'm just not quite sure how to describe this one. It's one of those really old NES games that everyone has a copy of, acknowledges as a classic, and kinda hates. I know very few people who enjoy this game as more than a curiosity or signal of things to come. I mean how could you? It's really old and really weird.
The premise itself is odd. I always thought that there was a movie sequel to the original Goonies out there somewhere that I had simply never seen. However, this sequel doesn't exist. Instead this is, I believe, the very first video game exclusive sequel. That concept might actually work today, but this was the NES in 1987. If you played the game with no manual or guide you would have no idea that there was supposed to be any kind of story behind it. You're a kid in a weird building with a yo-yo fighting bats, and that's really about as deep as it gets.
Actually you are saving the other Goonies and rescuing a mermaid. Also, the Fratellis are after you again, but I don't know why. An opening movie would've been helpful, but they hadn't thought of that yet. You play as Mikey, but the other Goonies are completely generic and unnamed. You can't tell your Chunks from you Datas in this one. Anyway, that's about as much of the story as I can explain here. I'm sure you can find the instruction manual online somewhere and read more about it. People used to read more papery things back in the 80s.
So here's the way the game goes in case you've never played it. The game is split up into"action" and "adventure" sections. In the "action" sections you're trapped in this really weird place that is hard to define. You're in a volcano, and then you climb up a ladder and you're in Greenland. You go through a door and you're in a cave. It's something like that. The place has a front side and a back side so be ready to get really confused all the time. You get some weapons, but none of them are all that effective. Also, the controls are a bit sluggish. All in all it's pretty bland, but at least it's fun to watch the suddenly changing scenery.
I can handle a bland game, but what really gets to me is the "adventure" section. What this consists of is a series of identical rooms. Sometimes they have people to talk to and sometimes they have hidden secrets. Sometimes they have locked safes that have extremely unhelpful hints in them. I loved wasting a key to find out that "it's fun to play Goonies 2." Do you know how many bats I had to kill to get that stupid key? Where's an interrobang when I need it? Anyway, all of these empty rooms have four walls and a ceiling. There could be more treasures hidden behind them, so lets hit every wall in the whole game. To do this you just pull up your item screen, pick your fist or hammer, and then push the button on the wall you want to smash. Oh, and you will get different results with different items, so you will have to hit each wall in each room with both you fist and your hammer. I guess sometimes a hammer would smash right through that extra key ring or pair of Goonie shoes, so you need a less powerful fist to get the job done. So yeah, this process takes about five minutes per room and involves no skill or thought. It's just an endurance test that tries to show off that phony 3D room effect that they loved so much in the 8-bit era. However, this ain't Phantasy Star. It's not even Fester's Quest. Oh, and you also have to hit an old man with a hammer five times.
You know, I hadn't really planned on being so hard on this game. It doesn't seem like it's that bad. But at the same time maybe it is. Maybe it's a visionary game that pointed to the future, or maybe it was more of a case of the programmers being in over their heads. I honestly can't tell you. This game is more confusing to talk about than it is to play, and that's saying something. I'm sure the debate about this game has been raging ever since '87. Or am I the only person still talking about it? I sure hope not.
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